I’m good at pretending. I’m good at pretending at work and other places. I act like this horrible cloud that sometimes hangs over me is not full of rain and doesn’t affect me. But inside I am freaking out. My nerves jump, my mind races, my heart pounds and my breath is shallow. On the outside, I act like I have it all together. Anxiety? What anxiety? This girl is on fire! She is on top of the world! *Sigh* If only….
This week has put me to the test. I was perfectly fine for months. Exercising…doing great! I biked six miles on Sunday for heavens sake! Then Sunday night, something changed. It always sneaks up like a bad rash. One day you’re fine. The next day, you are annoyed by this thing that won’t seem to go away. So I sit here feeling like I’m on fire, alright. But only because I am sweating and the panic is rising up in me. So I am writing. Getting it all out in the open. Have you been there? Do you know how I feel? Maybe some of you do. But maybe some of you reading this think I am completely nutso! Not true. I will stand firm in my belief that anxiety does not mean you are crazy. If it did, I would be out of a job and on medication. My mind simply chooses to take a different route with the thoughts that arise. Anything I feel is magnified a gazillion times. Anyone with anxiety will tell you that. The feelings make my stomach upset. I can’t eat. When I can’t eat, my blood sugar gets all out of whack. This fuels the anxiety even more. Ugh…vicious cycle!
So I am trying…trying. I am being tested once again. For if I truly believed, wouldn’t I feel no need to worry? It’s a fine line. Yes, I believe God is in control of my life. Yes, I know He has the master plan, the blueprint of my life and on that blueprint it says “On June 27, Tammy’s anxiety will rear it’s ugly head…hoping that this brings her closer to Me”. He knows the plan long before I do. He also knows that I need to not forget the path that I am on. Some may say that doesn’t make sense. Isn’t the anxiety my own fault? Doesn’t the bible say “Do not be anxious about anything”? Surely God wouldn’t put this on me for a reason, right? In the book “The Anxious Christian”, the author says that anxiety should not be viewed as an un-christian way of life, but as a catalyst that forces us to make intentional choices about our spiritual lives and allows for growth that moves us closer in our relationship with God.
So in order to get through this, I must believe there is a purpose. Otherwise, I will just sit here and drive myself nuts thinking I am doomed to live this way the rest of the week/month/summer/year/my life! I will put my trust in Him and continue to pray myself right out of this situation. I know He is there and will guide my steps and see me through. He always does. We’re tight like that.
I’m starting to feel a little better already : )